Week 11, In Which We Gleefully Anticipate The Impending Holiday Season

So let us review our Thanksgiving plans…

We have our normal two games on Thanksgiving Day, the snooze-fests at Dallas and Detroit. (You only thought it was the tryptophan in the turkey that made you sleepy—no friends, it’s having to watch Detroit play that puts you under…) Then, the new event this year, the NFL Network is broadcasting Thursday and Saturday night games, starting with Denver @ Kansas City Thanksgiving Night. A good AFC West showdown after a day of eating until one’s pants no longer fit? As a wise man once said, “Woohoo!”

Then on Friday, we’ve got Texas A&M @ Texas. (Forgive us—we live in Texas, where this kind of thing is really important.) And then a full slate of NFL games on Sunday!

This, friends, is what we give thanks for! We truly are embarking on the most wonderful time of the year! (And yes, we’re talking about the race to the NFL playoffs…) We’re so excited!! Now, as long as the Rolling Rock holds out and the DirecTV dish stays attached to the house, we’ll be set! Otherwise, it could get ugly…

And now, on to the games…

Chicago @ New York Jets: We are truly reluctant to deduct any of Eric Mangini’s cheeses for the Jets’ performance in this game. The Bears are a truly superior team, so we shouldn’t be too surprised that they beat the Jets. In fact, we were expecting the Bears to truly pound some serious snot out of the Jets, so we see a silver lining for the Jets in a mere 10-point margin of defeat. Nicely done, Eric “Five Cheese” Mangini!

New England @ Green Bay: So, the two Golden Boys meet, although one of the Boys is now a Golden Geezer. And thus, the Golden Boy Torch was passed from Brett “I Can Make As Many Truly Screwed Plays As I Want And You’ll Still Call Me A Hall Of Famer” Favre to Tom “I Am So Special That I Make Every Color Analyst Experience Orgasmic Thrills” Brady. With that much sparkly fairy dust emanating from these two gentlemen, we had difficulty focusing on the game. (Which is just as well, since the game was a dog.)

Cincinnati @ New Orleans: We swear, we started mocking the Saints bright and early on Sunday. And for a moment, as we watched a trio of hapless Bengals DBs carom off of one another in their sad, almost Houston-Texan-esque attempts to tackle Joe Horn on that flea flicker pass, we actually thought we had mocked in time. But alas, it was not meant to be. Evidently, we will have to increase our mock output handily if the Saints are to have any decent chances of advancing into the playoffs. We’ll get on that right away…

Oakland @ Kansas City: Lest we give the wrong impression, let us be clear: with very few exceptions (Coughlin being an obvious one, and the majority of the Ravens defense being another), we rarely root for injuries. We are not bloodthirsty, cruel, vicious little men who thrill to the sight of pain and (dare we hope?!) blood. It’s just that, when faced with certain injuries, we cannot help but look at the situation pragmatically and see the potential benefits that a team may be able to realize as a result of a sudden, unexpected roster opening. We felt the need to clarify this because we referred earlier this season to Aaron Brooks’ injury as “Christmas in September,” and when we saw Mr Brooks on the Raiders’ sideline having his hand examined by the trainers, we hoped for a fleeting moment that perhaps Andrew Walter would have just a little more time left to seize his destiny.

It’s not that we were glad that Mr Brooks might be injured. That would be cruel.

Atlanta @ Baltimore: The extremely high Prick Content* of this game made it physically uncomfortable for us to watch the telecast. So we didn’t. So sue us.

* If Ray Lewis hadn’t been injured, we would’ve blocked this channel from viewing just to guarantee that we wouldn’t accidentally be exposed to the sanity-scuttling spectacle that would’ve been Michael Vick and Ray Lewis on the field at the same time. If these two “gentlemen” were to actually be in the same frame at the same time (if, say, Mr Lewis were to tackle Mr Vick), the resulting concentration of Prick Energy would create a Prick Black Hole, sucking all the decency and good sportsmanship out of all who witnessed the event. Frankly, we didn’t want to risk it.

Washington @ Tampa Bay: We have discovered that Chris Simms’ splenectomy has created two voids: one in Mr Simms’ abdomen and one in our ability to mock the Bucs. This is not to say that there isn’t anything to mock about the Buccaneers—it’s just that what used to be an easy lay up now requires thoughtful planning and careful execution. The problem? This is a game featuring two loser teams, and there are several good games going on at the same time. We can’t justify the effort it would take even to watch a few token plays and make some half-baked smart-ass comment. We can’t even take a random potshot at Joe Gibbs’ freaky long earlobes. (We believe we’ve pretty much exhausted that vein, and we suspect that it was humor that only we appreciated to begin with.) Hmmm… What to do?

Ah, we have it! This week’s winner of the Robert Johnson Award is none other than Joe Gibbs, who must be thinking longingly about the allure of alcohol-induced amnesia. If only he hadn’t sold his soul to the dev—we mean, to Daniel Snyder, he would be… we don’t know… doing something else with his life that would bring him joy. (Maybe something with his racing team?) So, Joe, to let you know that we feel your pain, and that Robert Johnson predicted it, here are a few lines from that classic work, “Drunken Hearted Man”:

I'm a drunken hearted man

My life seem so misery

I'm a drunken hearted man

My life seem so misery

And if I could change my way of livin'

It would mean so much to me

I been dogged and I been driven

Ever since I left my mother's home

I been dogged and I been driven

Ever since I left my mother's home

And I can't see no reason why

That I can't leave these no-good womens [or Redskins] alone

Tennessee @ Philadelphia: While we like black jerseys (we are particularly fond of Detroit’s), we think that the Eagles’ black jerseys look odd. Maybe it’s the green accent striping… We were fortunate that we tuned to this game just in time to hear Solomon Wilcots explaining how a Tennessee interception was a lucky play (the linebacker just happened to be able to extend high enough to pick the ball off, he so thoughtfully explained to us). Then, the helpful folks in the booth ran a second replay from a different angle that showed all the Titans defenders were situated pretty much where they were supposed to be for that defense—so the “lucky play” was in fact “good defense.” We understand poor Solomon’s confusion—he isn’t accustomed to such pesky inconveniences as competence…

St Louis @ Carolina: And now, this week’s entry in “Great Moments In Color Analysis!” The following statement was actually uttered by the color commentator in this game (whose name, thankfully, eluded us): “What have we got to do to get you [referees] to call the flag?” Yes, by all means, call those flags, guys! We can’t have a bunch of uncalled flags littering our games… Now, if Marc Bulger had said that, we’d have understood. After a day of imitating David “AAAAIIIEEEE” Carr, even the sharpest mind could be that rattled…

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland: We must admit to a conflict here. We enjoy watching Ben Roethlisberger play (although we hate having to type his name) and we have long been fans of the Steelers and Bill “Three Yards and a Cloud of Spit” Cowher. However, we have picked up in several different areas the subtle yet distinct aroma of Prickness around Big Ben. We speak not yet of proof, but yet…

But boy howdy, that last touchdown pass that he flicked to Willie Parker sure was pretty.

Minnesota @ Miami: OK, you people have been absolutely no help at all. No one has stepped up to let us know what Christmas special character Brad Childress served as a model for. Our only hope now is that the upcoming deluge of Holiday Related Nostalgia Program Activities will somehow jar the nagging memory loose.

Oh, and these two teams played a game and the Dolphins won.

Buffalo @ Houston: So many ups and downs… To say that the Texans came out flat in this game is a huge understatement, like saying Coughlin is unpleasant to be around, or FEMA doesn’t do a very good job. We think one may need an electron microscope to measure the flatness of a team that would make JP Losman look like a Madden NFL video game quarterback. (We have had similarly impressive performances with Josh McCown, for God’s sake, so we know it can happen in the PlayStation world…) But to crawl back like the Texans did, only to have Mr Losman march his Bills right down the field at the end of the game… It’s almost enough to make a defense think that it might have to start playing hard for the entire game, and not just a couple of quarters…

Although, with the Texans, that might be a bit too much to ask.

Commercial Break: We kept seeing the 60 Minutes promo telling us that Joe Namath was going to talk about the embarrassing event that made him sober up. But… His embarrassing event was hitting on Suzy Kolber??? Even given the iffy status of her neck these days, Suzy Kolber is not someone that one should feel embarrassed for hitting on, in our opinion. In fact, we are surprised that more athletes don’t hit on her… Hell, we’d be tempted ourselves, if it weren’t for the fact that we just know that Bonnie would find out, and then we’d ruin our one chance* at true love.

* Granted, this “chance” only exists in the “in an infinite universe, all things are possible” sense, much like our chance of winning the lottery (only slightly less likely), but still, one can dream…

Indianapolis @ Dallas: We have to admit to something. We don’t understand why Phil Simms is CBS’s number one analyst. He’s not particularly eloquent, and his insights are pedestrian. Even more damning, he is boring. The game was decent, and yet we fell asleep. Phil, we blame you!

Seattle @ San Francisco: Woof! Oh look! San Francisco won!

Detroit @ Arizona: Woof! Woof! Oh look! Arizona won! (Well, someone had to…)

(There isn’t a whole lot of comedy gold to be mined out of that afternoon’s dredging…)

Commercial Break: We are growing more and more fond of the Miller Lite Man Law spots. Where before we were struck mostly by Burt Reynolds’ botched cosmetic surgeries, we are now hugely entertained by the comedy. “Buh-lock -- Duh-umb,” makes us laugh every time we see it, and the most recent spot (“Yeah, he’s in his man-box…”) is downright clever. With the exception of the unfortunate misstep of “Don’t fruit the beer,” this series of commercials is a winner.

And now that we have pointed that out, it has nowhere to go but down. They should pull the plug now while they can. (We are, after all, the masters of catching on to a trend well after it has past its expiration date.)

San Diego @ Denver: Now this was a fun game to watch. We did, however, fear that Marty Schottenheimer was going to have a stroke in that last minute of the game… We also breathed a massive sigh of relief that our effusive praise of the Chargers in last week’s belated write up didn’t lead to disaster this week. (Maybe all of the bad karma is stuck in New Orleans. Wouldn't be the first time...)

New York Giants @ Jacksonville: We don’t normally arrive at the sprawling San Antonio headquarters of the Weekly NFL Update until after the Monday night game starts. (We work an unusual schedule at our day job.) Last night, when we tuned into the game earlier than usual, we were struck by a couple of things. First, when the camera zooms in on Kornheiser in his pre-game “analysis,” we get a really close view of his Homer Simpson-esque three-strand comb over. Come on, Tony! Face up to the facts! You are bald! There is no one on the face of this planet who looks at you and thinks, “My God, what a stunning head of hair this man sports!” At best, they look at you and think, “Hmm, that’s not a good comb over.” At worst, well, you don’t want to know the worst. Embrace your baldness, Tony! Your life will be richer for it.

Second, we are particularly and profoundly affected by the vertigo-inducing cross section of musical talent that Hank Williams, Jr has appearing in his “All My Rowdy Friends Are Here for Monday Night” bit. From Little Richard to Little Steven, from Rick Nielsen to Charlie Daniels to the fat guy from Bowling for Soup, we cannot imagine a more eclectic group of performers. What’s the deal, Hank? Were Pavarotti and Alice Cooper unavailable?

And, speaking of popular music… (That is what we in the writing biz call a “segue.” Look on our works, ye mighty, and despair.) We understand that Lynyrd Skynyrd hail from that general region of the country, so we know why the folks at ESPN kept playing bits of “Free Bird” when cutting to and from commercials. But we’ve always operated under the firm belief that a little “Free Bird” goes a long, long, long way. Assuming we have to do this again, ESPN folks, open up your search a little bit. There are several perfectly decent Skynyrd songs you could have chosen that wouldn’t have left that plodding, shambling mess known as “Free Bird” rambling around in our heads all night, stumbling over furniture and staining our carpets like the drunken houseguest that it is. (For ourselves, we would have chosen something a bit peppier, perhaps “Gimme Three Steps” or “Call Me the Breeze.”)

(Then again, if we’re looking for “songs peppier than ‘Free Bird’,” there are Gregorian chants that qualify…)

Kornheiser did make two points during the game that are worth echoing. The first is the simple fact that Tiki Barber could step into the MNF booth as Kornheiser’s replacement next week if he wanted to. Point well taken—very well taken… (Although it was cruel of Kornheiser to get our hopes up like that.) The second came much later in the game, when the MNF gang were gushing about what a nice guy Coughlin really is (after all, he donates to charity!). Kornheiser noted that, when one talks to Coughlin’s former players, one hears him described in many ways, including “dictatorial.”

Coughlin is “dictatorial”? Well, at least the first syllable is right.