Week 20, In Which Science Butts In Again

We were impressed earlier this week, when our local newspaper carried not one but two dinosaur-related stories on the front page.

First up was the report about this nifty little bugger who may have flown with a bi-wing configuration, using its legs as a second set of wings. And, right next to that story, was our second dinosaur item: the resignation of Bill Parcells as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.

Not that 66 is all that old; after all, Marv Levy was still coaching well into his 90s. It’s just that Bill Parcells is a relic from a distant age, when coaches ruled over teams with iron-fisted authority. What a glorious time it was, too, before the advent of free agency and the rise of the prima donna, prick-intensive, modern NFL player.

But hey, that was then, and this is now.

In other coaching news, the Oakland Raiders announced the hire of Lane Kiffin as their new head coach. We were, frankly, stunned by this news. Partly, our surprise is caused by Mr Kiffin’s age. (Granted, we heard this news shortly after coming to the realization that by the time he was our age, Buddy Holly had been dead for over 20 years, so we may be a little sensitive to age issues these days…) Mostly, though, we were surprised that an NFL team would hire someone with so little coaching experience to be the head coach.

But then again, this is the Raiders we’re talking about… For a second there, we even thought we might be up for the job…

And now, on to the games…

New Orleans @ Chicago: We were thrilled to see Reggie Bush sprinting toward the end zone there in the second quarter, on the verge of his score that would put the Saints within two points, but then… Between the taunting finger-pointing and the flip into the end zone, we lost a great deal of respect for Mr Bush. We hope that he grows up and grows out of it, but we have reason to be doubtful that he can do that.

On the lighter side, we were highly amused at Sean Payton’s reaction to tight end Billy Miller’s false start call in the third quarter. Evidently, Mr Miller tried to convince his coach that he was drawn into his false start by one of the defenders flinching, because when Mr Payton was chewing Mr Miller out on the sideline, we were able to read his lips quite clearly: “Offsides? You are so full of shit.” Ooooh, nicely done, Coach Payton!

We were also struck by how difficult it must be to be Fred Thomas (or any member of his family), since for the better part of two weeks now, he has been held up by national broadcasting analysts as, in essence, the world’s crappiest defensive back.

Commercial Break: Is it just us, or is seeing the little mucousy footprints left by Loogey Man in the Mucinex commercials one of the most disgusting things one can find on television? And that even takes E! and Brad Garrett’s new sitcom into account…

New England @ Indianapolis: In the pregame show, Jim Nantz asked Phil Simms what he expected of Tom Brady. Phil’s response? “I expect him to be dreeeeeeammmy!” Luckily, the Colts finally prevailed in this clash of titans. Even though it will mean even more commercials for Peyton Manning, if this loss will take just a little of the man-crush luster off of Tom Brady, we will be happy indeed.

Throughout the game, we were impressed with how inaccurate Phil Simms’ commentary was. In a short yardage situation, Simms said that the Colts wouldn’t take a chance on a handoff (something about how they couldn’t possibly let the ball get too far away from the line of scrimmage), and what happened? Manning handed off. (First down!) Later, Simms was trying to make a point about how quiet the crowd had gotten, but he had a hard time finishing off his thought, what with all the crowd noise… Time and time again, Phil Simms made lame and/or inaccurate observations, and overall had one of his worst games as an announcer, and friends, that is saying something.

We were also particularly thrilled to see Marlon Jackson’s excellent play at the end of the game. When he intercepted Tom “Dreamboat” Brady’s pass, did he f*rt around the field, running around like an idiot, perhaps even trying a lateral to a fellow defender only to lose the ball and give Dreamboat one final shot? No! He took a few steps and then smartly dropped to the ground and protected the ball. Nicely done, Mr Jackson!

And now, we have a week off between the conference championships and the Super Bowl. It may well be the longest week of our year. Maybe we’ll spend our time charting the relative age of all NFL head coaches…