Season Preview Extravaganza!

The time has come, ladies and gentlemen! The NFL has arrived! Preseason, with its meaningless games featuring faceless bozos of whom we’ve never heard and from whom we’ll never hear again is over, and the regular season stands on our immediate horizon, an indomitable force towering above us, watching us pitilessly as we huddle, wretches writhing in its immense shadow, mewling our feeble protestations of inadequacy in respect to its grandeur and glory.

OK, maybe that’s laying it on a bit thick, but HOT DAMN! IT’S THE NFL!

And as we at the Weekly NFL Update gird our respective loins (nice mental image, that) in anticipation of the coming festivities, we humbly offer our Season Preview.

Enjoy your meal, and remember to tip your waiter.

Off Season News and Notes

Coaching Changes

Many head coaches were hired this off season, and we at the Weekly Update cannot remember a more awe inspiring lineup of new coaches. Except, of course, for virtually every other crop of new coaches ever to start a season together. We mean, seriously—Mike McCarthy? Rod Marinelli? The guy with the Jets whose name we can’t even frickin’ remember? These are head coaches in the NFL? What, is Les Steckel dead or something?*

There are some head coaching changes that we liked this off season. Art Shell is always welcome in our living rooms, for example, and strangely enough, we admire the jutting cheekbones and hollow, sunken eyes of Dick Jauron. (Then again, Halloween has always been our favorite holiday.) We fully expect Gary Kubiak to turn around the Houston Texans, guiding them to well over three wins this season.

But still, we are disappointed in our NFL coaching rosters. We might be proven wrong. Brad Childress might turn out to be the second coming of Bud Grant, but we are not holding our breath.

*For a brief moment, we thought that the esteemed Mr. Steckel might in fact be dead. Happily, though, according to his wikipedia entry, he is alive and well, instilling his mindless authoritarianism into the members of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Shocker.

Hall of Fame Note

We were thrilled that Warren Moon, one of our favorite players ever, was inducted into the Hall of Fame this summer. There’s no joke here—just admiration from a pretty big fan.

Free Agency

Over this summer, the headquarters of the Weekly NFL Update relocated to San Antonio, which is a fiercely partisan Dallas Cowboys market, so our view of such things might be slightly biased, but we can’t help but think that Terrell Owens is being portrayed simultaneously as both the most overrated free agent signee of all time and the single best hope the Cowboys have of achieving post season success. For ourselves, we think only that Mr. Owens is the biggest prick in the NFL, a league that, sadly, is chock-full-o’-pricks.** Will Mr. Owens single-handedly elevate the Cowboys’ passing game? Well, as much as we hate to burst your Cowboy-loving bubble, that’s not saying a whole lot. (We like Terry Glenn as much as the next guy, but when Mr. Glenn is your next-best receiver, it doesn’t exactly take Jesus “Crazy Legs” Christ to elevate your passing game.)

Our best guess is that Mr. Owens will start out strong, suffer through an injury, come back strong in the post season, and then spend the off season blaming everyone else in the Cowboys organization for their failure to make it to the Super Bowl. But then again, isn’t this everyone’s best guess?

**Coming soon: The Weekly NFL Update All Prick Roster. Three slots are set—Owens at receiver, Larry Johnson at running back, and Tom “Evil Incarnate” Coughlin at head coach. Nominations are being accepted for other positions.

Announcer Update

Our prayers were answered—no more Paul Maguire! We are, frankly, giddy with delight. But he who giveth also taketh away, and now we’ve got Tony Kornheiser hanging around our necks. Setting aside for the moment how hard it will be not to make “cornhole” jokes out of his name (we strive for a higher form of humor here, thank you very much), the sheer ineptitude of this “analyst” (and yes, we can see the possibilities with that word, too) has us stupefied. Is there a law forcing ESPN to hire at least one lackwitted blowhard? And isn’t Joe Theismann enough?

Groaningly Obvious Statement of the Week

On the Sports Illustrated web site, Don Banks writes of Kerry Collins, “Accuracy has never been his strong suit.” Easy there, big fella—don’t go too far out on that limb! The next thing you know, you’ll be telling us all about how Vince Lombardi was a good coach, the forward pass revolutionized the game, and hot dogs at the stadium are a bit overpriced.

And now… Team Previews!

AFC East

Buffalo Bills: Is anyone else wondering what kind of magic we could be witnessing had Marv Levy decided to try coaching again? C’mon, Marv! You’re only 300! You could do it!

Miami Dolphins: What? Ricky Williams is suspended again? And he’s playing where? And the Dolphins just signed Lee Suggs? Oh, man, this has Greek Tragedy written all over it…

New England Patriots: We at the Weekly NFL Update have a long-standing tradition of rooting against the Patriots, even though we staunchly admire Bill Belichick, despite the fact that he wears the goofiest shirts we’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s just that we are sick and damned tired of network announcers swooning over Tom Brady. “He’s so smart!” they say. “And he reads the defenses so well!” “You can’t rattle him!” “I think I’m in love, Greg! Hold me!”

New York Jets: Seriously. What’s the new coach’s name? Ohhh, Eric Mangini. And he’s what, twelve? Let’s just say that our hopes are not high. (At least they didn’t get stuck with Lee Suggs…)

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens: Long have we admired Steve McNair, whom we believe to be the single toughest man in professional football, and perhaps on the face of planet Earth. However, long have we also loathed Brian Billick, whose ego is surpassed only by his ignorance. (It was a close race, but his ignorance had a good head of steam coming out of the last turn.) This puts us in a quandary. Luckily, McNair will only be healthy enough to play in four games—five games, tops—so most of the time, we’ll still get to jeer Billick.

Cincinnati Bengals: The team of many Johnsons. The Johnsons hang heavily on this team, swinging lazily from sideline to sideline. Perhaps the Johnsoniest of them all, Chad Johnson, should be a strong contender for any self-respecting All-Prick Roster. (His only redeeming feature? He seems to be able to laugh at himself.) For most fans, the burning question is whether or not Carson Palmer’s bionic knees will hold up to the harsh reality of life in the NFL. Our burning question? When will Carson change his last name to Johnson?

Cleveland Browns: On the plus side, they don’t have Lee Suggs to kick around anymore. On the negative side, they’re the Cleveland Browns. Good luck, Romeo.

Pittsburgh Steelers: How many mirrors did Ben Roethlisberger break in the off season? Motorcycle accidents, emergency appendectomies… If we were Jeff Hartings, we’d be scared shitless—if ever an NFL player was going to be struck by lightning during a game, it would be Big Ben this season.

AFC South

Houston Texans: “Kubes” has come to town, and the Texans are poised, baby! Of course, they don’t have Reggie Bush, or any other running backs for that matter (unless of course we want to count Ron Dayne, whose career has been golden so far), but hey, they have David Carr, for whom “dropping back to pass” means “take three steps, scream and get hit.” Yeah, this is going to end well…

Indianapolis Colts: As much as we admire Peyton Manning, we must admit that we are growing weary of his incessant hucksterism. And frankly, if we were the Tennessee Titans, we’d be mighty insulted by the DirecTV commercial where Peyton berates us, his audience, for watching him blow out the Titans when we could be watching kid brother Eli play the Cowboys. This commercial, friends, is what we at the Weekly Update call bad karma. Some say this is Indy’s year. We have the sneaking suspicion that the Titans are going to pound the snot out of Mr. Manning.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Whatever happened to the good old days, with the devil-may-care Jack del Rio? Nowadays, he’s become this serious, respectable tactician whom experts view as one of the sharper coaches in the league. As far as we’re concerned, though, we’d rather have the coach who used unconventional motivational techniques to help his punter hack his leg off. Oh for the days!

Tennessee Titans: We root for Tennessee because we have to. We are former Houston Oilers fans, and so we are genetically predisposed to rooting for the Titans. But they aren’t making it easy for us. Take the quarterback, for example. (Insert Henny Youngman reference here.) We realize that it will be a while before Vince Young is ready to take the NFL by storm. We are patient. We see the wisdom. We get it. But having to choose between Billy Volek and Kerry Collins? Ooof. When Benji Olson may very well be your best offensive player, well, friends, that is what we at the Weekly Update like to call “a sign.”

AFC West

Denver Broncos: Jake Plummer looked like a real quarterback at times last season. It just goes to show—you never know.

Kansas City Chiefs: We can’t picture Herman Edwards weeping openly as his predecessor did. We can, however, imagine him laughing gleefully as he murders someone with an ax. We can even hear him chuckle as he wipes the blood spatters off of his face. (And, strangely enough, we like Herman Edwards.) We think this means something for the Chiefs, but to be honest, we aren’t entirely sure what.

Oakland Raiders: Art Shell comes back to the Raiders after working in real organizations for several years. Let’s take a second to wrap our collective brains around this one salient fact: Art Shell returned to the Raiders. We think this idea is the mental equivalent of realizing too late that the coffee table you just lifted (sap that you are, you agreed to help your friends move, stupid--stupid!) is not made of laminate as you thought, but instead is real, actual marble. You’re not quite prepared for it, and it’s really more than you can handle, but if you just breathe for a moment, you think you can get it. And then you drop it and break your foot. Well, that’s us at the Weekly Update, trying to wrap our brains around the fact that Art Shell returned to the Raiders. (crunch.) It interests us, though, that Art comes back to the Raiders to help instill dedication, motivation, professionalism, and consistency, and the main free agent that the Raiders sign is Aaron Brooks. That, friends, is irony writ large.

San Diego Chargers: Did you ever at any point in your life imagine that a team would find itself in a “Post Drew Brees Era”? Neither did we.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys: Bill Parcells is the coach. Jerry Jones is the owner. Drew Bledsoe is the quarterback. Terrell Owens is the big free agent signee. No matter how hard we try, we can’t come up with anything funnier than that.

New York Giants: Tom “My Parents Named Me Tom Because Hemorrhoid Was Already Taken” Coughlin actually said this: "I don't have a chip on my shoulder… I don't have a big ego.” Right. And here at the Weekly NFL Update, we don’t make wisecracks. We don’t mock others for our own petty, selfish amusement. No sir, not us.

Philadelphia Eagles: There are many reasons to admire the Eagles. (Andy Reid’s stomach alone can give us at least five.) There are just as many reasons to despise the Eagles. For us, we only need one: Campbell’s Chunky Soup commercials. We pray nightly for Donovan McNabb to have a bad, bad season if only to spare us from the horror that is Campbell’s Chunky Soup advertising.

Washington Redskins: Clinton Portis’ injury in the first preseason game started once again the commonly heard arguments that preseason games should be done away with because of the risk of injuries. Here at the Weekly Update, we tend to believe that following that logic would lead us to canceling all games. (“Do you know how many players get hurt in the first quarter? We should just play the second half!” makes about as much sense to us.) We have a much stronger reason for wanting to eliminate preseason games. They are boring as hell. Case closed.

NFC North

Chicago Bears: Lovie Smith is the coach in the division with the longest tenure with his team. Yet another sentence we never thought we’d say.

Detroit Lions: Let’s recycle our Cleveland Browns joke, shall we? For after all, the Lions and the Browns are pretty much the same team, right? OK, here we go. On the plus side, they don’t have Charlie Rodgers and Joey Harrington to kick around anymore. On the negative side, they’re the Detroit Lions. Good luck, Les. Oops, sorry—Rod.

Green Bay Packers: Little known fact—failed and fired Houston Texans offensive coordinator Joe Pendry was in the running for the head coaching job in Green Bay, but unfortunately for him, the 49ers’ offense was just a little worse than the Texans’, so Green Bay snapped up Mike McCarthy instead.

Minnesota Vikings: With Mike Tice gone, a new era begins in Minneapolis. The football fan in us rejoices. The smart ass in us is crushed. Mike Tice may not have been all that great as a head coach, but he was comedy gold, baby!

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons: As with the Bengals, a high degree of prickicity seems to prevail in Atlanta, between Michael “We Work As A Team, But We Understand That It’s My Team” Vick and Jim “If You Say I Throw Tantrums One More Time, I’m Gonna Scream And Kick And You’ll Be Sorry” Mora. Is it something in the water?

Carolina Panthers: Full disclosure—we like the Panthers. We like Jake Delhomme and John Fox, and we even tend not to get too ruffled by Steve Smith’s obvious prickish tendencies. (We withhold judgment on the impact of Keyshawn Johnson.) No joke there—we just wanted to make it clear.

New Orleans Saints: Haven’t the good people of New Orleans suffered enough? Tom Benson makes us want to put our feet through the television, and we don’t even care much about the Saints. We can’t imagine the hell our life would be if we were die-hard Saints fans. And, while getting rid of Jim Haslett was a good start, was Sean Payton really the best replacement they could find?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Who will Phil Simms fight with this season to prove his son’s manliness? Please, God, let it be Tony Kornheiser…

[Editors’ note: A quick Google search for “kornheiser”—in a sad attempt to find something that we could use to mock this man with—resulted in the following hit. Is there a more apt statement on the net effect that Mr. Kornheiser has on the universe? We think not.]

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals: A new stadium that looks really spiffy can’t change destiny. Don’t misunderstand—we are pulling for the Cards. We just realize that we are pulling in vain. (And we all know how painful that can be.)

St. Louis Rams: Scott Linehan has, in our opinion, the easiest job in all of professional sports. Being the person who follows Mike Martz is like being the first houseguest to visit after Margot Kidder leaves.

San Francisco 49ers: You want comedy? Get a load of this. Little known fact: Mike Nolan is still working off the massive karmic debt incurred in his last life, when he was the butterfly who landed on the woman’s nose, who was therefore so cute that the man fell in love with her, and they married and soon brought into the world their little bundle of joy, whom they named Tom because hemorrhoid was already taken. Good going, pre-Mike.

Seattle Seahawks: You know, we’re still kind of surprised that the Seahawks made it to the Super Bowl last season. We don’t think we’ll be surprised when they don’t make it this season. Between the “Loser of the Super Bowl Always Tanks” curse and the “Player Featured on Madden’s Cover Always Blows” curse, we think we’ll only be a little surprised if the Seahawks don’t have to forfeit a game or two along the way.