Week 13, In Which We Wonder Just What The Hell Is Going On At The North Pole

When the networks start showing the Currier & Ives Budweiser spot, with Clydesdales heroically pulling that big-ass wagon full of beer through the snow, you know that the holiday season has finally arrived. And, with our recent fixation with holiday specials filmed in claymation, we find ourselves thinking more than usual about our holiday entertainment traditions.

Such as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Now, we realize that poking holes in the logical thread of Christmas tales is even easier than mocking the Texans, but even so, there is one mystery in Rudolph that bugs us now just as it always has, and it is this: The mystery of Hermey.

(And we aren’t talking about the “which came first, Hermey or Ed Begley Jr” mystery, either. We know that Ed Begley Jr was born before the first showing of Rudolph, so technically, he came first. However, he grew to adulthood after the show, so philosophically, we think you can safely say that Hermey came first, and it is to Ed Begley Jr’s perpetual shame that he still chose as an adult to wear his hair like that.)

You know Hermey. He’s the elf who doesn’t want to be an elf. He wants, instead, to be a DEN-tist. And you have to say it that way: DEN-tist. And he knows all about DEN-tistry because he has read a book about it.

Now let’s stop here and think about this for a second. Hermey is an employee of the multinational holiday conglomerate that is SantaCo, working for their toy manufacturing plant at the corporate headquarters in the north. And while we assume that this conglomerate is headquartered in a city of some sort (there has to be some level of infrastructure to support the company, after all), we don’t see enough of it to make any reasonable conclusions regarding the health and human services available to SantaCo employees. However, the effect among the elf-ry caused by Hermey’s career choice is stark enough, as shown by Head Elf’s histrionic reaction to Hermey’s declaration that he wants to be a DEN-tist, the absolute least subtle double take we have ever seen--a double take that makes a Looney Tunes feature look downright Shakespearean.

And don’t get us started on the comic possibilities to be found in the name “Head Elf.” Whenever we think of that name, we can’t help but be reminded of Head Elf’s cameo appearance as “Candy” in Lou Reed’s immortal “Walk on the Wild Side.”

So, we can safely assume that there isn’t a dental school nearby, unless Head Elf is just another rabid anti-dentite bastard.

And what happens at the end of the show? After displaying his talents by disfiguring the Abominable Snowman (who should just get down on his knees and thank God that Hermey didn’t want to be a surgeon, or they’d have hacked his arms off), the leadership at SantaCo makes Hermey the sole provider of dental benefits for the company.

We don’t know about you, but if we were dentists, we’d be offended as hell about this. Read a book, rip a few fangs off a monster and presto! You’re a dentist! (Excuse us—a DEN-tist.) No studying for years, no extensive licensing, no professional ethics… It’s almost like they’re saying that any Tom, Dick, or Hermey can just hang up a shingle and start a practice…

And if this is indicative of the selection process for their benefits providers, it is no wonder that SantaCo is regularly cited as having one of the lowest employee satisfaction ratings in the entire holiday hospitality industry…

And now, on to the games…

Baltimore @ Cincinnati: We almost forgot that this game was on. But, luckily, we remembered it in time to catch the last quarter or so. Yeah. Lucky us. Lucky, lucky us.

Commercial Break: Long have we been fans of Guiness’s “Brilliant!” spots, but we are particularly entertained with their latest ad extolling the virtues of drinking in moderation. While we are withholding judgment on the whole “moderation” concept (we think that perhaps—just perhaps—there has been too much of a backlash against drinking to excess), we giggle like schoolgirls every time we see Brilliant Guiness Guy #2 being attacked by pigeons.

Then again, maybe we just drink too much… Which may also explain why we first heard the upcoming Mel Gibson movie’s title as “Apocalypso,” and had developed quite a nice little story line in our minds featuring the End of Times with Harry Belafonte before we realized our mistake…

San Francisco @ New Orleans: The Saints are providing us with an excellent chance to observe, under controlled conditions, the power of our mockery to pump up an NFL team. Once again, we started mocking the Saints early on Sunday, and they managed to beat the 49ers pretty handily. But, then again, these were the 49ers… Oh well, more data are needed before we are comfortable working on our inverse mockery formula. We will keep you posted.

Atlanta @ Washington: We were watching Comedy Central the other night and happened to catch a show featuring the stand up routine of a comic named Todd Barry. While we are aficionados of humor and regularly watch funny stuff that we think is really, really funny, it is rare that we laugh out loud as we watch said funny stuff, especially if we are alone. Even so, we chortled, guffawed, snorted, and snickered all the way through Mr Barry’s show. We don’t normally purchase comedy CDs, but we are strongly considering making an exception in Mr Barry’s case. We strongly recommend him to you; his website can be found here. (We are particularly amused by his receipt museum.)

What has this to do with the Falcons and the Redskins, we hear you ask? Blessedly, nothing.

Arizona @ St Louis: Hey! The Cards won! We’ll be damned… We didn’t think that was going to happen for another couple of weeks (when the Cards play the 49ers on Christmas Eve).

When we checked the Cards’ website to remind ourselves of the date for their upcoming clash (and we use that word loosely) with the Niners, we noticed that they have helpfully told us that several of their games may be rescheduled for that evening, thanks to the new flexible scheduling system that the NFL used to bribe NBC into paying ludicrous sums of money for the Sunday Night Football package. While we thank the Cards for their thoughtfulness, we seriously doubt that any of their games will be rescheduled any time soon…

Indianapolis @ Tennessee: As we predicted in our season preview extravaganza, karma has visited Indianapolis and left a nasty, steaming little reminder not to mess with it. Next season, we hope that Peyton refrains from mocking other NFL teams in his unending quest to be featured in every commercial ever made for every product ever developed.

Detroit @ New England: Maybe Friar Bill is on to something. Four turnovers, and yet they win… It’s a bold new strategy, one which we will refer to as “Give Until It Hurts,” at least until it starts failing the Patriots. (Which, now that we’ve mentioned it, will probably be next week.)

Kansas City @ Cleveland: You know the old saying about how even a broken clock is right twice a day (or once, if it’s digital, unless the “broken” bit involves the power source, in which case it won’t display anything and therefore can’t even be right once a day, but you know what we mean). If we translate this phrase into NFL terms, it comes out roughly as, “Even the Browns can beat the Chiefs.”

Minnesota @ Chicago: Listening to Lovie Smith’s post-game interview, we came away with a sneaking suspicion that the Bears were 10 and 2 and had just clinched their division. We don’t know what it was he said, but somehow, we just read between the lines and came up with the fact that the Bears were 10 and 2 and had just won their division. We don’t normally pick up on hints, so we were proud of ourselves for catching that subtle suggestion that the Bears were 10 and 2 and had just won their division. We don’t know—maybe it was the shirt…

New York Jets @ Green Bay: When asked in the post-game interview if he made any inspirational speeches during half time, Brett Favre answered, “I don't know what to say . . . We're losing 31-to-nothing at halftime. [What do you say?] `Pick it up, guys?' I mean, that's embarrassing." While we’ve teetered on the Favre Retirement Fence for a few years now, we have to admit—if he’s willing to be that funny in his post-game interviews, we hope Mr Favre sticks around for a couple more seasons…

San Diego @ Buffalo: Marty’s Chargers continue taking the NFL by storm! OK, so beating the Bills in a close one isn’t exactly on par with conference champions. Still, as much as we’ve been praising the Chargers (both here and in our live show), we figured by now that they would have tanked. The fact that they haven’t has made us giddy! Giddy, we say! (In case you are curious, this is the second half of our mockery inversion formula research. What do we have to do to get the Chargers to tank???)

Commercial Break: Acura commercials are starting to bother us. First is the spot where we see the new Acura SUV tooling through the countryside. The narrator tells us, “There were two options: change the road or change the SUV.” As he gets to the “change the road” bit, hydraulics underneath the countryside highway lift the outside edges of the curves that the SUV approaches, making the turn easier for the vehicle. The first time we saw this commercial lo these many months ago, we thought, “Nifty effect.” Now, though, we can’t help but be puzzled: in the ad, they change the road. Doesn’t this mean that the SUV is the same old car it always was? What’s the point of the commercial, then?

Second is the new series of holiday-themed spots featuring the cars that break out of the lot at night to go gallivanting around the city. We see the last employee of the car lot leaving the building—he clearly locks the door. But then, when the cars come to life, they approach the door, and voila, the door is open for them. How did it open?

We know what you’re thinking: These cars are driving themselves off the lot, and you’re worried about the frickin’ door? Ah, but friends, it is just that type of detail that harshes our commercial-enjoying buzz. We’ll give advertisers the big stuff—we expect them, in turn, to pay attention to the small stuff. It’s just the way we’re wired.

Jacksonville @ Miami: One of our local lite-pop radio stations is playing all Christmas music these days. We have that radio station playing in our office at our day job. (Hey, we work with people who have that Christmas spirit, dammit!) And we can safely say that we have heard as many versions of “My Grown Up Christmas List” as we need to hear for the rest of our miserable lives. For many of my fellow Americans, the pairing of a David Foster tune with Kelly Clarkson’s voice is the proverbial match made in heaven. For us, it is an interminable abomination, a three-minute reminder of everything that is evil in pop music today. David Foster? The words “cliché” and “hackneyed” fall much too short of the mark. A thousand monkeys with a thousand cheap-ass Casio keyboards could generate David Foster tunes in a little under two days. And Kelly Clarkson? Well, she was good enough to win American Idol, which means she is not very good after all. She can certainly sing loudly, and she can have melismatic spasms that rival Mariah Carey, but sheer volume and ability to completely disregard the tune one is trying to sing do not in and of themselves make one a good singer. They merely make one a good Mariah Carey. (And frankly, even one Mariah Carey is more than we truly need…)

What has this to do with the Jags and the Dolphins, you ask? Not a thing, friends—not a thing.

Tampa Bay @ Pittsburgh: We have discovered what is ailing the Steelers: They aren’t as good as other teams in the league, so when they play better teams, they lose! It’s so simple, we’re surprised we didn’t see it before. When the Steelers are up against the league’s bad teams (such as Tampa Bay and Cleveland), they win, but when they’re up against teams that aren’t bad (such as damn near everyone else they’ve played or will play), they lose.

We know what you’re thinking, and it’s true—such a simple pattern, and yet so elusive…

Houston @ Oakland: We knew that one of these teams had to win, but still, we suspected that we’d end up with a 0-0 tie. But, for the Texans, at least there is some limited silver lining in the knowledge that they now have twice as many wins as last season! And they won’t be picking first in the draft! No siree Bob! Not first! Woo hoo!

Seriously, the article in Monday’s San Antonio Express-News recapping this game (written by the Houston Chronicle’s John McClain, one of our favorite NFL writers) has the following headline: “Texans not as bad as Raiders.” We foresee a series: “Coming up next, it’s ‘Texans not as bad as Lyme disease!’ Stay tuned next week for ‘Texans not as bad as sticking your tongue into an oscillating fan!’”

Dallas @ New York Giants: How can it be that adding vibrantly red jerseys to uniforms can make them look even duller? And while we have our issues with the Cowboys—Lord knows, we have issues with the Cowboys—we were still thrilled to see Martin Gramatica nail that last kick! Go, Mar-teen! As hard as he was praying before the kick, we kind of figured he’d make it. Hey, it’s the Christmas season!

In fact, we were so pleased with that kick, we will refrain from wishing harm to befall Tom Coughlin this week. We may even try to refrain next week as well (Christmas season, and all that), but we aren’t sure that we are that strong. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Commercial Break: We understand why Dr Pepper is pushing the number 23 in their advertisements these days. (We don’t understand why Dr Pepper would want to push the number 23, but hey, they didn’t ask us.) And while we’re tempted to bitch about the phrase “23rd quarter,” we know that we are the only ones on the face of the planet who are semantic sticklers to the point of wanting to scream out: “If there are at least 23 periods in a game, they cannot be called quarters!” So we’ll give that a pass.

But… We cannot give a pass to the guy who makes a 23 with his peas. The look on his face when he does this is a mixture of “Oh my God, look at this amazing thing I have done!” and “Where the hell did this come from?” Our reaction? It’s not that amazing or mysterious, Bub. You made a number with your peas. Big F*cking Deal. Little kids all over this planet make all sorts of sh*t (literally and figuratively) with their food every day. Get over yourself.

Seattle @ Denver: The debut of Jay Cutler left us, shall we say, underwhelmed. We didn’t see anything that he brought to the game that Jake Plummer couldn’t have brought just as well. And yes, we understand that these things take time, and he’s a young quarterback, and who knows what kind of guy he’ll be a few years from now. But the Broncos are in the division title chase now, not a few years from now, and we just wonder if this was a change that really needed to be made, or if Mike Shanahan was just hoping for a little of Bill Parcells’ Tony Romo Fairy Dust to settle on his squad…

Carolina @ Philadelphia: Moses on a pony, how old is Sylvester Stallone? He’s what, 80? And he’s making another Rocky movie? Is there no justice? Have you no decency, sir? But what really bothered us about Mr Stallone’s visit to the MNF booth was this: Kornheiser asked him for a favor (“Can you say ‘Yo, Tony’?”) and we asked him for a favor (“Can you please hit this man, just once?”), and what happened? “Yo, Tony!” There is no justice in the world.

Later in the broadcast, Kornheiser made a reference to a Randy Newman song. Randy Newman is one of the members of our personal Holy Musical Trinity, so we were a bit taken aback that an obvious infidel would be referring to him, but then we realized what song he was referring to (“Whatever happened to the old songs, Mikey?” is a line from a song on Trouble in Paradise) was an obscure song, one that only a true fan would be able to quote from. To hear these words come stumbling out of Kornheiser’s mouth was troubling. Perhaps this man has some shred of humanity after all? Perhaps we have more in common with Kornheiser than we thought? Perhaps we need to rethink our rabid opposition to this malodorous tw*t? Naaaaaahhh…

Finally, watching the cold weather games this weekend made us wistful. We still recall the good old days, when players and coaches both dressed as the weather dictated. For example, when Chuck Noll coached the Steelers and they played in cold weather, Noll wore so much clothing that he looked like Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story. You’d look at him, and all you could see was two eyes glittering in the middle of knit caps and parka hoods… Those were the days! Now, you see players in short sleeves and coaches in light jackets, even when the temperatures are below freezing. Come on, guys! It isn’t a show of femininity to wear a layer or two of clothing! Try it sometime! (You’ll make us feel less like girlie-men for huddling on the sofa in a fleece jacket when the temperatures inside plummet to the mid-60s…)