Week 14, In Which Your Hosts Prepare For A Vacation

Every once in a while, just like normal people, we like to take vacations, and next week is one such time. This weekend, we will be traveling to the distant fairy-tale land known as Walt Disney World, where we will spend several days earnestly immersing ourselves in fantasy after fantasy. Anything that smacks of “reality” will be steadfastly avoided. (And we’ve been to WDW before, so we know that this is actually an easy thing to do, especially when you are staying on WDW property.)

Which means that, next week, you will not be receiving a Weekly NFL Update. It is possible that we will issue a truncated version, sometime next Saturday, which will feature the few games that we set our digital recorder to store for our viewing pleasure, but it is also distinctly possible that we will simply take a week off and resume our unhealthy fixation on football the following week.

You’ve been warned.

And now, on to the games…

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh: Unfortunately, we were giving an exam to our students when this game was being telecast. We did have our laptops up and running during the game, regularly updating ourselves on the progress of the game; however, even our best intentions weren’t strong enough to make us keep hitting refresh every minute so that we would see this page load line by line. We made it to half time, but we lost our focus after that. But reading that line about Ben Roethlisberger’s “pass deep right to N.Washington for 49 yards, TOUCHDOWN” simply made gooseflesh break out on our arms. Rarely have we seen text so captivating…

Commercial Break: No doubt you have seen the spot: Lance Armstrong, looking earnestly into the camera, says, “Remember me, cancer? You made me what I am today.” Really? Cancer can now transform people into pricks? Talk about adding insult to injury…

Tennessee @ Houston: You know, it’s a shame that David Carr is going to shoulder so much of the blame for the performance of the Texans this season. After all, it was Kubiak and Charley Casserly who drafted Mario Williams instead of Reggie Bush, and it’s Richard Smith who coaches the defense (and we use that word very lightly, indeed). Carr is just the poor schmuck who takes a good pounding every Sunday…

New York Giants @ Carolina: Last week, we suggested in our weekly rant that Jake Delhomme’s job was secure as long as his backup was Chris Weinke. On Sunday, Weinke started for the injured Delhomme. We rest our case.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville: As sure as the swallows returning to Capistrano, as reliable as a young man’s fancy turning to thoughts of love on a warm spring night, as reliable as graft in a no-bid Halliburton contract, the Colts begin their annual disintegration down the stretch. Tradition, friends—it’s a strong, strong force.

Baltimore @ Kansas City: Longtime readers will no doubt recall our affection for Steve McNair, the NFL’s Single Toughest Man. As a result, longtime readers will no doubt understand our elation when we saw Steve McNair completely obliterate Patrick Surtain on a tackle in this game. Nicely done, Mr McNair!

Oakland @ Cincinnati: We shouldn’t be surprised that the Raiders are floundering. When your top running back is the son of Huggy Bear, you shouldn’t have your sights set too high…

Speaking of Huggy, we were thrilled to find the following on Antonio Fargas’ website: “Antonio continues to be a popular icon revered by generations around the world. When between film, theater, and music recording projects, Antonio often makes personal appearances or product endorsements.” Some weeks, these things just write themselves…

New England @ Miami: While the Patriots gave up three turnovers in this game, none of them were interceptions. Come on, Bill! Get back to the game plan! How can you expect to win if you don’t let Brady throw a few picks?

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay: Again with the irritating Christmas music… Andy Williams sings a particularly noxious version of “Happy Holidays” that is melded with one of the worst examples of songwriting we’ve come across in quite some time. While “Happy Holidays” isn’t exactly Irving Berlin at his strongest, it’s still light years beyond the horror that is “The Holiday Season,” by Kay Thompson. We don’t know who Kay Thompson is. We don’t care to know who Kay Thompson is.* All we need to know is that Kay Thompson wrote these lines:

It's the holiday season
With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock
And don't forget to hang up your sock
'Cause just exactly at 12 o'clock
He'll be coming down the chimney
Coming down the chimney
Coming down the chimney, down!

There should be laws preventing this kind of thing. Come to think of it, there are! We should be able to prosecute Kay Thompson for fraud, don’t you think? After all, if this is a “song,” then monkeys may soon fly out of our orifices.

And what has this to do with the Falcons and the Buccaneers? Do you even have to ask?

* When we typed these words, we felt deep, deep shame. How dare we willingly acquiesce to ignorance! So, a few discreet clicks of our mouse later, we learned that Kay Thompson is quite the Renaissance woman. She may be basing her credit as “composer” on something besides “The Holiday Season.” Frankly, we aren’t brave enough to look for any additional “songs” out there that she may have penned. Our sanity hangs by a thread most days, and Kay Thompson’s “songs” are frighteningly effective shears…

Philadelphia @ Washington: We must admit something: We didn’t actually watch any of this game. We didn’t even see highlights of it. We did, however, read the full game book description of the game at NFL.com. We think that should count for something—we just aren’t sure what.

Minnesota @ Detroit: Watching the Lions stumble and fall makes us wonder whether it is enough to simply fire Matt Millen. Shouldn’t there be more of a ceremonial sacrifice? We aren’t seriously suggesting that Mr Millen be disemboweled or anything (although you never know what will turn the karmic tide), but we can’t help but think that it will take a lot more than just firing Millen to clear the stink out of that room.

Commercial Break: We have a new finalist in the “Creep Us OUT” sweepstakes! It’s that baby doll thing that weeps at the new Sony PlayStation 3. We now have nightmares featuring that creature…

And, while we’re discussing finalists, the latest disclaimer that makes us insane with rage is featured in the NFL.com spot with the Viking fan and the Bears fan feuding with escalating purchases from NFL.com. Viking fan seems to win at the end with his huge inflatable Viking, but read that disclaimer: “30 ft. Viking not sold.” So, the ultimate purchase from NFL.com isn’t actually available at NFL.com… Once we get Kay Thompson squared away, we’re sending the lawyers after these folks…

Seattle @ Arizona: Upon reflection, we weren’t surprised that the Cardinals beat the Seahawks. After all, the Seahawks have Matt Hasselbeck as their quarterback, and he still needs his mother to make his Chunky Soup for him. No wonder they lost the Super Bowl last year…

Green Bay @ San Francisco: Oooo, Brett Favre had a pretty good day. Then again, he was up against the Forty-Niners…

Denver @ San Diego: And the Chargers have shown, once and for all, that there is absolutely no sparkly Tony Romo Fairy Dust to be found on or near the shoulders of Jay Cutler. It’s a shame—we had high hopes for the Broncos…

Buffalo @ New York Jets: We’ve held off on the deduction of cheese from Eric “Five Cheese” Mangini, but we can hold off no longer. After this dismal performance, Mr Mangini is now Eric “Four Cheese” Mangini, and with three games left in the season, he will have a hard time building the necessary momentum to see his team into the playoffs. (We believe that he will need at least six cheeses to get his Jets into postseason play…)

Commercial Break: So there’s this troll guarding a bridge. He stops a family in a minivan and tells them that he’ll only let them across if they answer his three questions. As he starts to ask them his riddles, he gets distracted by the minivan and asks questions about it instead. Ha ha, you are no doubt thinking, clever idea. Except… The family didn’t answer all three questions! They only answered two questions! (And that’s if we count “Maybe” as a real answer to “Is that a DVD player?”) They never even responded to the third question!! If we were that troll, we’d be p*ssed…

New Orleans @ Dallas: Have you ever noticed that Bill Parcells has teeth like the Grinch? We’re starting to feel sorry for poor ol’ Bill… His Tony Romo Fairy Dust just can’t compensate for all of the negative karma cascading off of Terrell “I Sleep Through Meetings Because I Feel Like It, Dammit, And I Didn’t Hear A Word Parcells Said About Championship Teams, And If You Don’t Like It, Well You Can Go To Hell” Owens.

And did anyone else get the impression that Madden really likes Drew Brees? You’d think Brees was Tom Brady the way Madden gushed…

Chicago @ St Louis: With all the hubbub surrounding Rex Grossman, we thought it was about time that somebody stood up for the poor schlub. After all, it can’t be easy for him. This is the first time since he was in Pop Warner football that he’s actually had to play this many games in a row without having an injury.

We were also surprised when the referees let the clock continue running toward the end of the first half, even though Isaac Bruce very clearly rolled out of bounds without having been touched by any Bear defenders. We were so surprised, in fact, that we couldn’t even come up with a joke about it. We are accustomed to seeing referees making calls that we disagree with. (It doesn’t happen on every play, but it does happen often enough that we recognize the feeling.) However, we aren’t accustomed to seeing referees make calls with an internal logic that depends on the warping of time and space.

We were so dumbfounded by that call that we can’t even remember what Kornheiser thought about it…